what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
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Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles