My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
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[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.