Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
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[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
no their not
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
At Walmart during the holidays like..
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
When life hands you women, make women laid.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*