I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
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CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD