I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
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I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Who.
Did.
This?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me: