Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
You Might Also Like
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.