I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
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Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there