I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
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My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.