Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
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Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*