doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
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Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I can’t be the only one 😂
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”