Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
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Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
s
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Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.