Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
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Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for