Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
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Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
This a good idea
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.