Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
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I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Worth remembering.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.