So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
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My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.