romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
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wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
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“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!