The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
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Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.