8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
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I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
lmfao
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Oh deer