When someone trying to leave me
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During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
*puts my mental health in rice
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.