Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
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My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch