I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
You Might Also Like
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Batman v Dracula
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.