Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
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Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”