Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
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When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?