My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
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Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
We avoided this particular disaster
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR