It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
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I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
But that’s none of my business
lumberjacks will cut a birch
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”