If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
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I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Coffee for people with no kids
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.