Lmao
You Might Also Like
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.