How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
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If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.