{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
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I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”