i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
You Might Also Like
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I falcon love using swear birds
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms