[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome