Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
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On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.