Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
How I like cutting carbs
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?