I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
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6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE