A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
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The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Meanwhile in Portland…
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
#NeverForget
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand