How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
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taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.