I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
You Might Also Like
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs