[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
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Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.