Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
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And bowling should be called pinball
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.