I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
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I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s