I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
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In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity