I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
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The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
saving face 👀
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
the battle rages on
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)