genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
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HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I’m being attacked 😭
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Eat…
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care