Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
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Become a minion. Get that bread.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
A drum solo but on your face.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭