Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
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I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
“you changed” bro i was 15
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners