I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
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this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.