Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
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The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!