The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
You Might Also Like
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Worth the read.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
not for long
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.