When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?