I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
You Might Also Like
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten